Therapy

So yesterday was a pretty busy and productive day. 

I had my first therapy session with Ryerson University and it went amazing. I really like my therapist, we struck up an instance rapport and the time went by so fast. She asked me some really interesting questions about my anxiety and it was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. two of the questions she asked me that really struck a chord where:

What would 'Jade' look like without anxiety? 

I struggled to answer this question straight off the bat as I have suffered with this for so long that I honestly dont know the answer. However, after thinking about it all day yesterday I think i have come up with an answer......10 years ago before I came to Canada I was pretty young and carefree I knew I wanted to come and travel in Canada and was saving pretty hard, at the time forces were in Iraq but war had not been declared and I was offered a 3 month job with the ministry of defense in Kuwait to go and help feed the British troops. Without even a second thought I agreed and had no worries or qualms about it. Sure I was a little nervous as I was going into a country that had strict rules and regulations but more than anything I saw it as an adventure. Unfortunately war was declared the day before I was due to fly out and all civilians were evacuated and I was not allowed to go. My point is that, that is what I want Jade to look like, the Jade at 22 years old who didn't give a fuck and saw life as one big adventure. I pondered yesterday if anxiety had, had such a grip on me back then whether I would have even ended up coming to Canada alone with just a suitcase and a dream and I wonder what other opportunities I have passed up because of the anxiety that has crept up on me. I definitely dont want to let any others go and its time to put a stop to Voldermont once and for all.

Are there any positive sides to worrying and being anxious?

This one was a pretty easy answer NO! however my therapist asked me to think about why? When i thought about it it really made think how negative and consuming my anxiety really is and how there are seriously no upsides to it, I mean I get jittery for weeks before my annual medical, im pretty sure I am going to be told I have Cancer.......well if i was told that, has my anxiety helped in any way shape or form? of course it hasn't. It wouldn't have cured the Cancer away or helped with my treatment has it? Same as if I got stuck in an elevator, is the constant worry of getting stuck in one really going to get me out? no the bloody fire department would! So really whats the point in worrying all the time needlessly about every situation? 

We also discovered in the session that I worry and play out every situation as a protective strategy, to protect myself from getting hurt in life. which probably goes back to my parents divorce. cliche.....totally.

I also figured out that I NEVER get to relax, I never get a second without Voldermont around cramping my style, and that the last time I truly relaxed was back in May for like one day on a beach in Spain. Thats a lot of anxiety with one day off! LOL 

The good thing that came out of the session what that there is definitely a motivation in me to change these ways and I am ready and willing to try anything.

I cant wait for my next session.

I also had another session with my Chiropractor and really enjoyed that too. Dave and I took a walk to the chiro in the beautiful fall sunshine. I had a great treatment and feel better and looser already. 

When I had thought about what my time off would look like, it would include long walks and lots of fresh air a feeling of peace and tranquility. and thats exactly how i felt yesterday on our walk. The sun was shining I had, had a great and productive day and I felt alive again! I had to stop and take a kodak moment of my life right at that second as I felt happy, relaxed and contented. 

Yes I am a Habs fan LOL dont judge me too harshly.

I also took some advice from a very wise friend who said that she was trying to see the positive side of life instead of the negative.....So when on a crowded subway feeling stifled she would instead try to feel grateful that she had legs to get to where she was going, a subway system that got her from A-B and a job to go to, to provide for her family.  I thought this was a great philosophy as I can easily be very Whoa be Me! So that's what I have been trying. Its easy to always think oh this is wrong and that is wrong.

My appetite still hasnt been great but im trying. Last night I cooked one of my favourite meals and its so simple, just Spaghetti, Olive Oil, Salt and some yummy Mozarella.

 Delicious in front of the telly with my Snuggie.

So yesterday was a great day. and this morning the sun is shinning once again and I intend to take a nice long walk through the cemetery and enjoy my day again.