Tasks for tommorow

1. Get out of the house.

I have a lunch date with my good friend David it will be good to get out of the 

crab shack (that's what we call our house) for a while.

2. Floss Teeth

I have quite bad gums and need to floss daily. So its quite important

that I do it every day.

3. Flush Nose

Yes I use one these and I love it!!! it makes me feel

so much clearer. its good nasal hygiene.

4. Meditate

This is self explanatory

5. Apply Makeup Pretty Up Hair

 

 It felt good today to look good so I will try

and do this again tommorow. 

6. Cleanse, Tone and Moisturize

 

I love the feeling of a clean face and love Nivea products they

smell like holidays LOL. so trying to CTM twice a day is good

for me and its great for my skin.

7. Take Vitamins

I have been taking vitamins now for close to two months

and I feel so much better for taking them. I have tailored my

vitamins for anxiety. 

This list seems pretty long but four of these are already habits as mentioned in my last post. 

Letting Go

Day 3 of my sabbatical was interesting......

I woke up and was feeling really tired and lazy. I have not heard back from work after my email. It leaves me in quite a bit of limbo. However, I have said my piece now and now i intend to just get on with my time off and my objectives. The guilt and anxiety of my schedule that i felt that i wasn't sticking to was getting to me. I have a habit of making these schedules and then i get really anxious and overwhelmed that i am not getting to all of the tasks on the list. 

I feel like i was getting overwhelmed again from the schedule that I made on Sunday. I started something new recently where I set myself 5 really easy tasks and if i achieved just 3 of them then i would be OK and wouldn't have to feel overwhelmed or guilty. this actually really worked for me and im still doing those tasks now without even writing them down. they have become habits.So i have decided to  take my sabbatical in the same sense, because chilling out and learning to let that anxiety go is key. My other half also told me that i need to chill, its only day 3 in and its early days on learning to adapt to my new schedule and surroundings.

So today i took it easy for the morning. I then decided that part of feeling better was looking better. For the longest time I have really let my appearance go. So i got a nice shower and did my hair and makeup. I felt so much better. it felt good to feel good LOL.

Me looking pretty

So this afternoon we just chilled, did some laundry, and I read some cookery books. cooking makes me happy and reading the huge collections of cookery books Ive amassed gives me lots of ideas. I plan on trying to make some cheese and onion bread later on this week....YUM!

I also chilled a lot of the couch with my kitty Bee Nanigans. She is such a cuddle bug and always seems to know when i need a little TLC.  she gets right up in my grill and we have a proper little cuddle.

it felt nice to just chill, to let myself be, no schedule, no tasks just be......without guilt and anxiety. So i think a new approach needs to be taken. I cant go gun-ho into a brand new schedule it is only going to hinder my progress. I think that i need to gently ease myself into this sabatical with maybe the small tasks approach and also doing things that make me happy like baking and sewing. 

Im really excited about starting therapy so that i can start my CBT.

Anyways i am off for more snuggles with my Bee Nanigans and my wonderful, supportive, loving, caring Man......whom I love with all my heart but more about him another time........

Anxiety - 2. Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.

So today had some good and bad moments to it. It started off pretty shitty as my bosses replied to my email saying that they would be in touch ASAP which automatically set off my anxiety at a level 5. I worried that they were going to call me and be totally un-supportive, well, seems my anxiety was warranted because when they did phone they were just that. after stating that my anxiety wasnt like Chemo or breaking my leg they asked me to come back to work and train a temp and go off when it suited them basically.

I felt totally overwhelmed in the call as it was with me and two senior executives in the company and i felt like there line of questioning was both strange and manipulative. I told them that I would get back to them. After seeking some counsel from friends and family i realized that this behavior was totally unacceptable, frankly this isnt anything new from my company but i was sick and tired of it. I sent another email this afternoon stating that i would be following the advice of my Dr. and unfortunately i could not set my mental health condition around there schedule. my anxiety is still at a five now waiting for a response. part of my condition means that i find it very difficult to say no to people and i always people please. lots of people take advantage of that and part of my recovery is setting and sticking to boundaries that are fair and acceptable to me. 

Even though i felt pretty anxious this morning and i just wanted to dive back under the covers and go to bed, i didnt! I got up, got dressed, made an awesome smoothie for my breakfast and headed tea in hand for my walk and aqua aerobics session. 

My bling bling new travel mug and view on my walk.

So i get to the pool and asked for the class, i found if i bought 10 classes in one go i saved some money so i did that and then found out i had got the times wrong and had missed the class! I was so bummed! however, on my way home I happened upon a local massage and acupuncture place and made an appointment for Thursday. So all in all it was not totally wasted. plus i got some exercise.

I came home and had some lunch it was uber tasty, I made an amazing mango and cabbage salad to go with my salmon and it was uber tasty. 

Although my anxiety has been so bad today that it didnt stay in my system long (I know TMI, but this is a warts and all blog!)

So this evening i intend to do lots of meditation and relaxation breathing and try to get this under control and tomorrow is another day..........

Day 2 - Tidy House Tidy Mind

So day two of my sabatical was extremely busy....

The house was a complete tip and I am very neat and tidy. I had been remiss in some of my daily chores and household duties purely because i felt so depressed and down that i had just spent evenings and weekends sleeping and wallowing in my own self pity. We have a small house and with two of us and a cat living in it we have to keep it pretty organized. I have quite a large walk in closet that several years ago when i was studying i turned into an office. However, since my beautiful man moved in it has been used as a dumping ground for old clothes and any old bit of junk that we dont want to deal with and it was time to clear it out as i want to use it during my time off to write and do some arts and crafts. So we got up nice and early and I tackled the office and my other half tackled the front hall closet where we keep our clothes.

It took a while but we finally got stuff sorted and I felt a great relief wash over me as I had been anxious (surprise surprise) about it for a while. we also cleaned the house top to bottom and it looks amazing.I am pondering today though that trying to constantly stay on top of this and having a to do list that plays on my anxiety and guilt is definitely something i hope to alleviate with the help of my therapist. 

My tidy new office

I guess i felt like a fresh start with the house and organization would help me get into my new routine, my other half pondered as well that i am still in the Mon-Fri 9-5 mentality and that will take some time to get used to my new free time. 

I am really excited to go to Aqua Aerobics tomorrow. I went one time with my Mum when she was visiting and i had such a great time. I'm glad I am able to go during the day now.

I have also been thinking a lot about my diet, my body really does treat me how i treat it back and my eating habits of late have been terrible, and it shows. I have decided to make healthy choices on my sabbatical journey as I know that lots of whole grains, and oils can only make me feel better. I also love to cook and now i have to time to prepare my meals at home all the time. 

So tommorow I plan on making a great Jamie Oliver recipe of Tandoori Salmon that's packed full of omega oils from the fish and super foods from the Indian Spices. I am going to join this with a beautiful mango and cabbage  and walnut salad. I have tonight marinaded the salmon so it will be infused and amazing tomorrow.

 My salmon marinading in some curry paste

I had some administration stuff to do today like applying for EI insurance to pay me and the horrid job of emailing my boss to say that I was off sick for two months. I'm pretty anxious because I cannot see them being very happy. but we will see. I might be pleasantly suprised.

Where to begin

well, where do i begin........

I decided to start writing this blog to journey the next couple of months of my life as I feel I have been given a huge gift to really face a life long mental illness and spend a few months of my life dealing with just that.

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks from as far back as i can remember, even as early as aged 5 I can remember having crippling worry and anxiety. I have over the years sought treatment and been able to just keep it at the back burner however, a sequence of events that happened over the last year really made me take a hard look at myself and how much my anxiety really has crept up and taken over ever facet of my life.

In times gone by my anxiety has manifested itself as panic attacks. Those god awful, life stopping, adrenalin rushing horrid episodes where your flight or fight response kicks in. However, these days anxiety has been far more sneaky. Its no longer a smash in the face with a sledgehammer and now manifests itself into a slow burning cancer riddling my brain with lots of little worries and anxious feelings that I dont even realise are there from anxiety.

It wasnt until i took stock of how much stupid stuff i worry about that i realized how my life was being overrun by this awful mental illness.

I realised how much of life i was not experiencing due to anxiety and how it was slowly taking over so many areas of my life. it was also affecting my physical health in so many aspects.

I am suffering with terrible headaches that are a result of pressure point pain in my back muscles due to me being so tense and anxious, i suffer from IBS along with acid reflux both of which have been diagnosed by specialists as stress and anxiety related. I have also gained a ton of weight and have no energy left to try and do anything positive after worrying all bloomin day.

I also had a very stressful work situation, one that wasnt getting any better. I wont go into details too much but my work load was being increased without any training and I felt i had no support with my mental health woes.

I was fortunate enough to find a study at a local university for people suffering with anxiety, it will be a 17 week course of cognitive behavioral therapy and the best part is its free! however i just didn't know where i was going to fit my appointments in as they were only avail mon - fri 9 - 5! and my bosses were not thrilled when i went for my first initial interview. imagine the horror that would be when i told them i had to go once a week for 17 weeks!

so finally after weeks and months of feeling so low and at a loss of what to do i finally hit rock bottom. I was due to go to my medical with the Dr. as soon as i walked in I lost it in a fit of tears and poured my heart out at how i was feeling.

My Doctor is awesome, so understanding, and the outcome of the appointment was that she has taken me off work for 2 months.

This is an amazing gift for me to finally have some time to really face my anxiety head on. I think anxiety will always be something i suffer with but, this is an amazing opportunity to really learn how to tackle it.

I want to take this time to really relax, do lots of meditation and yoga, healthy eating, exercise and some well needed R&R.

I have spent this weekend coming up with a plan of action, I am pretty organized and like a schedule so i have come up with a schedule for each day of the week. I think it would be really easy to spend the time in my pjs watching crappy daytime tv, but i dont want to do that. As i said this is a gift and i have to use it as such. How many people get to take a break from life!

This is a screen shot of the what i have in mind for my weeks. I have a ton of benefits left from my job and I intend to use them for massage therapy, acupuncture and some homeopathy. and also i will have my therapy sessions once a week.

I want to use the time to really implement into my life lots of meditation and exercise, both of which are proven to help all types of mental health disorders.

I have also been taking a whole bunch of vitamins all geared towards my mental health.

I love to swim and I used to love aqua aerobics so I intend to do a lot of that too.

So why am i writing this blog......well to be accountable to myself really, its a good way to chart my journey...and also maybe if anyone actually decides to read it, it might help other people.

Tomorrow I want to clean my house top to bottom, I am very neat and tidy and the house looks like a bomb went off, i feel like tidy house tidy mind. and I have the horrible job of emailing my bosses to tell them I have been put on sick leave.

And then on Monday i start a fresh. so enjoy my journey and happy reading.