Wonderful Weekend

What a wonderful weekend! 

So this weekend was fantastic and I am feeling so healthy and happy and finally rested. 

On Friday we had a busy day of housework and chores. we then took a long walk and finished up at my Chiropractors. I seem to be finding that my headaches have increased which im not happy about, however, I understand that this can happen when getting treatment, and the specific knot he is treating is a complete grumpy, stubborn asshole and doesn't like being bothered too much I had a terrible headache going into the appointment and came out without it so he must be doing something right. I also had a girly night with my good friend Sara, we watched the epic girly movie 'Steel Magnolias' and had a great chat with some yummy pizza. It was nice to get out of the house and I always laugh and have a good time with Sara. 

On Saturday I went to a church fare just up the road from us with my good friend David. We love a good rummage around a load of peoples old shit LOL but i got some great bargains. David and I are both English and we picked up some great old bone china teacups and saucers from England as well as a great bowl. I have a bit of a thing for bowls and I have no idea where I am going to put it but it was so pretty and for just $5 I couldnt resist. 

My cute little teacup

 They also had some great books I picked up a 1998 book about the rise and fall of the Eaton family. The 1920's was a great era for Toronto and had some great characters the Eatons where one of the elite families in Toronto at that time and its great reading about them as they were a fiercely private family.

We also saw the In Laws this weekend for some great company, a good old Swiss Chalet dinner and some home made maple syrup carrot cake made by yours truly! its my Father in Laws favorite and he was delighted when I told him what dessert was.

Im really enjoying baking again its a great stress reliever and its good to have people who appreciate it. My FIL appreciated it so much he wouldnt leave without a goody bag of the cake to go, that's the biggest compliment a baker can get!

My carrot cake

I also started doing some exercise, I have a wii fit and I love it so on Thursday I did some boxing, jogging, jung fu and hula hooping! i was really suffering the day after but it felt good to be active. I am also finding my appetite is returning. We are trying to get out and walk every day and so today with the weather being so beautiful we took a 3 hour walk! We are so blessed to live next to Mount Pleasant Cemetery which is a great place to walk. some great Canadians are buried here so its like a little history lesson, and funnily enough we came across the Eaton crypt! it felt great to get out of the house and we obviously did some good from the fresh air and exercise.

The Eaton's modest final resting place

 

 I love the fall colours

 Another great shot from our walk

I finally feel this weekend that the veil of anxiety and depression from my work situation is lifting. As I sat with my baby and my little kitty on Saturday I had an overwhelming feeling of happiness. That's something I have not felt in a long time. Not that I am not happy in my relationship etc but this was more of a freedom happy. It was a weird feeling as I have not felt it in so long but I found myself feeling less burdened this weekend with my anxiety and I like it. 

I feel like I look better too, my skin is shinier and healthier looking and I am making more of an effort with my appearance. 

I am hoping this week will be just as good and I am looking forward to FINALLY finding out whether I am going to get paid! I love not having that horrible Sunday feeling that I have to go back to work and I am finally really just enjoying my time off!

Us on our walk Dave is scared of Zombies!

Therapy

So yesterday was a pretty busy and productive day. 

I had my first therapy session with Ryerson University and it went amazing. I really like my therapist, we struck up an instance rapport and the time went by so fast. She asked me some really interesting questions about my anxiety and it was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. two of the questions she asked me that really struck a chord where:

What would 'Jade' look like without anxiety? 

I struggled to answer this question straight off the bat as I have suffered with this for so long that I honestly dont know the answer. However, after thinking about it all day yesterday I think i have come up with an answer......10 years ago before I came to Canada I was pretty young and carefree I knew I wanted to come and travel in Canada and was saving pretty hard, at the time forces were in Iraq but war had not been declared and I was offered a 3 month job with the ministry of defense in Kuwait to go and help feed the British troops. Without even a second thought I agreed and had no worries or qualms about it. Sure I was a little nervous as I was going into a country that had strict rules and regulations but more than anything I saw it as an adventure. Unfortunately war was declared the day before I was due to fly out and all civilians were evacuated and I was not allowed to go. My point is that, that is what I want Jade to look like, the Jade at 22 years old who didn't give a fuck and saw life as one big adventure. I pondered yesterday if anxiety had, had such a grip on me back then whether I would have even ended up coming to Canada alone with just a suitcase and a dream and I wonder what other opportunities I have passed up because of the anxiety that has crept up on me. I definitely dont want to let any others go and its time to put a stop to Voldermont once and for all.

Are there any positive sides to worrying and being anxious?

This one was a pretty easy answer NO! however my therapist asked me to think about why? When i thought about it it really made think how negative and consuming my anxiety really is and how there are seriously no upsides to it, I mean I get jittery for weeks before my annual medical, im pretty sure I am going to be told I have Cancer.......well if i was told that, has my anxiety helped in any way shape or form? of course it hasn't. It wouldn't have cured the Cancer away or helped with my treatment has it? Same as if I got stuck in an elevator, is the constant worry of getting stuck in one really going to get me out? no the bloody fire department would! So really whats the point in worrying all the time needlessly about every situation? 

We also discovered in the session that I worry and play out every situation as a protective strategy, to protect myself from getting hurt in life. which probably goes back to my parents divorce. cliche.....totally.

I also figured out that I NEVER get to relax, I never get a second without Voldermont around cramping my style, and that the last time I truly relaxed was back in May for like one day on a beach in Spain. Thats a lot of anxiety with one day off! LOL 

The good thing that came out of the session what that there is definitely a motivation in me to change these ways and I am ready and willing to try anything.

I cant wait for my next session.

I also had another session with my Chiropractor and really enjoyed that too. Dave and I took a walk to the chiro in the beautiful fall sunshine. I had a great treatment and feel better and looser already. 

When I had thought about what my time off would look like, it would include long walks and lots of fresh air a feeling of peace and tranquility. and thats exactly how i felt yesterday on our walk. The sun was shining I had, had a great and productive day and I felt alive again! I had to stop and take a kodak moment of my life right at that second as I felt happy, relaxed and contented. 

Yes I am a Habs fan LOL dont judge me too harshly.

I also took some advice from a very wise friend who said that she was trying to see the positive side of life instead of the negative.....So when on a crowded subway feeling stifled she would instead try to feel grateful that she had legs to get to where she was going, a subway system that got her from A-B and a job to go to, to provide for her family.  I thought this was a great philosophy as I can easily be very Whoa be Me! So that's what I have been trying. Its easy to always think oh this is wrong and that is wrong.

My appetite still hasnt been great but im trying. Last night I cooked one of my favourite meals and its so simple, just Spaghetti, Olive Oil, Salt and some yummy Mozarella.

 Delicious in front of the telly with my Snuggie.

So yesterday was a great day. and this morning the sun is shinning once again and I intend to take a nice long walk through the cemetery and enjoy my day again. 

Day off today

Late last night I got my period.......... So today I slept late, took naps and generally sat around with a hot water bottle on my tummy feeling sorry for myself.

Enough said..... LOL

Although I will add that after 2 weeks of some serious pre menstrual tension the release was pretty nice and it was nice to be at home and not at work struggling to get through the day!

Voldermont......My Anxiety

So I woke up this morning with a really bad headache. I suffer with very bad headaches due to back pain that kicks back to my head. its a searing pain that goes up one side of my head. You can actually see a line on my head that is my muscle pulling exactly where the pain is. Its like the scar on Harry Potters head when Voldermont is around, mine is my anxiety LOL.

Im trying not to take advil as I thought for a long time that it was actually making my headaches along with my anxiety worse I found a ton of articles including these ones:

• http://www.livestrong.com/article/108644-bad-side-effects-ibuprofen/
• http://www.ehealthme.com/ds/ibuprofen/bad+dreams

But Voldermont got the better of me this morning and I worried myself into this stupor of pain and worry, I had an appointment with a new Chiropractor this morning too so I was anxious about going to that, I got it into my head (or Voldermont did) that I was going to go, he was going to crack my neck in a certain way and I would pass out on the way home or in the clinic, what made it worse was that the forms I had to complete didnt have a In Case of Emergency contact part and I was thinking how will they tell Dave Ive collapsed and died!............ Yes these are the racing thoughts that go through my head.

Eventually I caved and asked Dave to come with me to the Chiro, he makes me feel safe. I also spoke to my a fellow anxiety and neck pain sufferer and she said "well were you not making a ton of jewellery last night? and were not you hunched over for hours doing that?" so light bulb moment went off and suddenly I had a logical reason for my bad head. for me having a reason for something makes my anxiety a little more bearable.

Anywho I went to the Chiro and he made me feel instantly better, he didnt crack my back or anything too vulgar and just put some electrodes on my back to stimulate my muscles and gave me some great exercises to do at home. He even got rid of my headache!!! 

I came home and did some great meditation. I highly recommend http://www.meditationoasis.com/ its a great site for learning how to meditate and they have some great guided meditations in podcasts. The best thing is that if you have a smart phone or android you can buy apps from them that have the meditations on them so you can do them on the go. For a while I was meditating on the subway into work. 

Im feeling a little lost today, last week I was feeling like my schedule was too overwhelming but now ive settled in im feeling like I need some kind of structure, im feeling like I have no purpose and I dont like having zero structure so I have to start finding some kind of compromise. I think having a to do list for the day instead of a hour by hour schedule might be good and hopefully these will become daily habits. 

Finally this evening we decided to make some yummy chocolate chip cookies the dough tasted amazing! However because our oven is tottally shit and we have two settings cold and hellfire they bloody burnt! epic fail on the cookie front LOL 

So tasks for tomorrow is write a To Do list and try and get into some habits.

Artsy Fartsy

This weekend has been fabulous.......

I finally feel like I am settling down into my new routine, My good friend who took time off for the same reason gave me some great advice: she told me that it took her about 3 weeks to settle in, she also said to let me passions and loves guide me on how i spent my time. 

So this weekend I did just that, Firstly I had a nice lay in on Saturday, I finally got up at around 10.30am and it felt great. I had decided to allow myself that at the weekend if i wanted too. 

We also went to the local mall and I managed to get some fabric from a local goodwill. I got a whole roll of it for $8! I want to make a blanket for my Mother in Law for Christmas so I was really pleased to find it. 

I decided to let my passions lead me so when we got home I got out my sewing machine and started fiddling. my sewing machine is fairly new and im still relearning to use one. while going through my sewing box I found a bunch of beads I had found at the dollar store and so i started tinkering......the end result was this....

I looked through my jewellery box and found a ton of old nick nack bits that were broken or that I just didnt wear. So i started putzing around and I think I have quite a nack for it. Whats awesome is that we are probably going to be pretty tight this Christmas so they will make great gifts. 

The threading of those tiny beads was very therapeutic and meditative because all you are focusing on is that.

I also had my good freind David over for lunch today, we ate a bunch of English food but we were stuffed to the gills afterwards. Sausage rolls, Scotch eggs and some fries with yummy coleslaw really made us feel quite sick afterwards LOL.

I have really lost my appetite this last week which is very unlike me. I cant seem to get excited by any food and im having to force myself to eat something each day. So it was nice today to get excited about some food. 

Im thinking its fairly normal to have a loss of appetite, due to my anxiety and mild depression and im hoping to find my groove again over the next few weeks. 

This week I start my therapy which I am nervous but excited about. I am also gonna try and get to Aqua Aerobics this week sometime. 

And hopefully this week I will have a conclusion to my work / pay dilemma. It is still playing on my mind quite a bit. 

Anywho I am off to bed ready for another day tommorow. It sure was nice not to have that Sunday sinking feeling this afternoon.

Snuggie.... The varsity edition!

Best $3 I ever spent at the dollar store.

Better day today......

Hi Guys,

So today was a bit of a better day today. I woke up feeling pretty low. I was concerned still over the work situation and other stuff that was playing on my mind. I got into a bit of a state early on in the morning. The company that is working with my employer regarding my claim had sent the forms and they wanted me to give access to literally every facet of my life including my credit history. I had gotten myself into a complete tizzy over this....I felt violated and like my privacy was being invaded. My old headmaster told my parents on my leaving school that i would make a great politician or  activist as I have always wanted to fight whats not right I am well known to friends for being the one to right angry letters at the unjust of certain situations. After what had happened with my workplace over my leave I felt like digging my heals in and fighting for my privacy. However, my amazing partner Dave is always my voice of reason, he asked me to pick my battles carefully he said who gave a flying fuck whether this company decided that I shouldn't get paid because we hadnt banked on that anyways and it was worth sending them in to see. After I had gotten into tears over it he suggested I call and speak to them. I did and was relieved. The women was very nice and explained the process, she said that they worked on lots of different things and that the authorization was generic and that they would not need to go into so much private stuff. she also said that none of my medical history would be passed back to my employer, only an opinion on whether my time off was warranted and whether they should pay me. she also told me that the evaluation takes just 3 days! this was a huge relief that by Tuesday I would have an answer one way or the other as it has been playing on my mind quite a bit. 

So after I got off the phone I was ordered by Dave to take a bath. He always seems to know the right thing to say or do to calm me down. he really is my rock! We have been through some rocky roads that have only made us stronger and together i feel like we can accomplish anything. Its been a real transition getting used to being at home together all the time. We are both quite introverted yet sensitive so we have both been quiet and then paranoid this week that we have upset the other LOL we have been walking on quite the eggshells and I think having a chat about stuff this morning broke the ice a little. 

This journey is definitely NOT what I imagined and it much harder that I anticipated. Frankly today I just thought it might be easier to go back to work!

However, the bath and a chat with a good friend who is a fellow anxiety sufferer made me feel much better. I love taking a bath it feels so relaxing. I make an awesome bath soup as i call it with the following ingredients:

• 2 cups Epsom Salts (to relax your muscles)
• 1/2 cup Baking Soda (to make your skin soft)
• 1/2 cup white vinegar (to neutralize your bits and pieces downstairs)

A good friend told me that recipe years ago and it has been a bath staple ever since, a long soak in it with a facepack and some relaxation music chilled me right the eff out! 

After the bath I decided to do some baking which always makes me feel good. I made some delicious banana chocolate bread with some bananas that were going bad. It looks delicious.

I have been using the same recipe for years i just add some chocolate chips into the mix and sprinkle some walnuts on top before i put it into the oven.

Here is the recipe:

http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_bread/

I then got some admin stuff done, sent off the insurance forms and I finally feel a little better. As some of the burden stuff is coming off of my shoulders I feel a little better about just chillin. 

I cant believe that the first week has gone by so fast. the days just seem to fly by!